côté du web et de l'informatique agricole 42 - 2008
Paris, 20 octobre 2008
FYI … British culture (and humour)…
Not new, but à-propos, it seems …
Keep smiling …
the citizens of the United States
of America from Her Sovereign Majesty
Queen Elizabeth II
In light of your immediate failure
to financially manage yourselves and
also in recent years to elect incompetent Presidents
of the USA therefore not be able to
govern yourselves, we hereby give
notice of the revocation of your independence,
(You should look up 'revocation' in
the Oxford English Dictionary.)
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth
II will resume monarchical duties
over all states, commonwealths, and
territories (except Kansas, which
she does not fancy).
new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown,
will appoint a Governor for America
without the need for further elections.
and the Senate will be disbanded.
A questionnaire may be circulated
sometime next year to determine whether
any of you noticed.
aid in the transition to a British
Crown dependency, the following rules
are introduced with immediate effect:
1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated
in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,'
'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise,
you will learn to spell 'doughnut'
without skipping half the letters,
and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced
by the suffix '-ise.' Generally,
you will be expected to raise your
vocabulary to acceptable levels.
(look up 'vocabulary').
Using the same twenty-seven words
interspersed with filler noises such
as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable
and inefficient form of communication.
There is no such thing as U.S. English.
We will let Microsoft know on your
behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker
will be adjusted to take into account
the reinstated letter 'u'' and the
elimination of '-ize.'
July 4th will no longer be celebrated
as a holiday.
You will learn to resolve personal issues
without using guns, lawyers, or therapists.
The fact that you need so many lawyers
and therapists shows that you're not
quite ready to be independent.
Guns should only be used for shooting
grouse. If you can't sort things
out without suing someone or speaking
to a therapist,then you're not ready
to shoot grouse.
Therefore, you will no longer be allowed
to own or carry anything more dangerous
than a vegetable peeler. Although
a permit will be required if you wish
to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
All intersections will be replaced with
roundabouts, and you will start driving
on the left side with immediate effect.
At the same time, you will go metric
with immediate effect and without the
benefit of conversion tables.
Both roundabouts and metrication will
help you understand the British sense
The former USA will adopt UK prices
on petrol (which you have been calling
gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon.
Get used to it.
You will learn to make real chips.
Those things you call French fries are
not real chips, and those things you
insist on calling potato chips are properly
called crisps. Real chips are
thick cut, fried in animal fat, and
dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
The cold, tasteless stuff you insist
on calling beer is not actually beer
at all. Henceforth, only proper
British Bitter will be referred to as
beer, and European brews of known
and accepted provenance will be referred
to as Lager. Australian beer is
also acceptable, as Australia is pound
for pound the greatest sporting nation
on earth and it can only be due to the
beer. They are also part of the
British Commonwealth - see what it did
for them. American brands will
be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's
Urine, so that all can be sold without
risk of further confusion.
Hollywood will be required occasionally
to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood
will also be required to cast English
actors to play English characters.
Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English
dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral
was an experience akin to having one's
ears removed with a cheese grater.
You will cease playing American football.
There are only three kinds of proper
football; one you call soccer,
Australian Rules and rugby (dominated
by the Australians). Those of
you brave enough will, in time, be allowed
to play rugby (which has some similarities
to American football, but does not involve
stopping for a rest every twenty seconds
or wearing full kevlar body armour like
a bunch of nancies).
Further, you will stop playing baseball.
It is not reasonable to host an event
called the World Series for a game which
is not played outside of America.
Since only 2.1% of you are aware there
is a world beyond your borders, your
error is understandable. You will
learn cricket, and we will let you face
the Australians (again World dominators) first
to take the sting out of their deliveries.
You must tell us who killed JFK.
It's been driving us mad.
An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax
collector) from Her Majesty's Government
will be with you shortly to ensure the
acquisition of all monies due (backdated
Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4
p.m. with proper cups, with saucers,
and never mugs, with high quality biscuits
(cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries
(with cream) when in season.
Only share this with friends who have
a good sense of humour (NOT humor)!
"Réseaux et sécurité"
WATCHGUARD Firewall basics with Fireware - Full course - 3
29 septembre au 1er octobre
- WATCHGUARD Fireware 9.x Advanced (Multi-Wan, Vlan, etc.)
24 et 25 novembre
- WATCHGUARD Firebox X Edge and X Edge Wireless
- 1 jour - 20 octobre
- Firewalling basics with WATCHGUARD System Manager 8.0 and
- 2 jours - à la demande
- Sensibilisation à la sécurité informatique
- 2 jours - à la demande
- Comprendre les réseaux TCP/ IP et les routeurs
jours - à la demande
Contact : Véronique Bois
Mél : veronique.bois(a)acta-informatique.fr
C.N.I.L. numéro 667690
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